I did. ( there's a soft little sigh ) I don't like people seeing me like that but... as people keep reminding me that's when I most need someone.
( for support, so they can help pull her up or keep her steadier. she moves a hand to his chest, one finger lightly stroking, taking a moment for a pause )
I was given mandated therapy after it happened, not immediately but when my chief realised how badly I was coping. But I'd shut down. I didn't talk. I never have. This time... it was something at work that started it, a detail in a patient's file that triggered it. On its own it might not have been as bad.
( but then there was timing and she'd sunk lower )
[ It's so easy to think of progress as linear, even when it rarely is. It hasn't occurred to him that her efforts in braving the lab could be undone with a spiral like this, set off by something small and unpredictable, even when he knows she has good days and bad days already.
But in light of all that, and hearing that she hadn't made the intended use of that mandatory therapy, it makes sense now. ]
Do you think it's likely to happen again?
[ He covers her hand on his chest gently with his own. ]
PTSD is... ( fucked is her instinctive word but she leaves the sentence unfinished, especially when she knows she isn't managing as well as she likes to pretend she is. as she makes other people thing )
I havent had a spiral that bad in a while. It isn't always like that, little triggers are easier but... this built. I don't want it to keep building.
( this had been a terrifying reminder of the past, especially when things had felt better or more managed )
[ Whether or not it's what she's asking for, his mind is shifting into problem-solving mode, scientific and logical. If she knows what caused it to build, then maybe they can avoid it next time--maybe he can help, somehow, before it gets that far. ]
( adrienne doesn't respond at first, a long silence where the question presses, where her instincts are to retreat again and shut it all down. she shifts to curl more into him, resting her head on his chest, tucked closer. he's safe, he's there, and that's what she's clinging to, reassuring herself that she's okay, that she can trust him )
Her birthday.
( it's so quiet a whisper, an admission that will end up surprising her when she realises that she's told him at all. the pause was long enough that he'd likely even have started thinking that she wasn't going to, that it was it. this was the first time that she's mentioned something herself about her daughter, a real detail, not just to him but in years. and likely the only one.
but it was her birthday. that was the part that adrienne had struggled with, that hit her hardest because what should be her happiest time, celebrating her daughter and her life, seeing her grow-- she couldn't and those happy times crushed her )
The patient file detail wasn't even connected, it wasn't... but it brought something up.
[ It's whispered to himself, not quite meant for her, which is why he says it in English. Yes, that slots everything horribly into place. It confirms the assumption he's already been working from, all the myriad little ways he's seen his own parents in her since the bunny made him think to start looking--and it's just one more sharp little jab to the heart to know Adrienne's child was a girl, too.
He wonders if she was closer to Shanti's age, or Molly's. ]
Okay. All right. You understand all the constituent parts of the problem. That's very important. I know you couldn't have foreseen the file, but now you can...I don't know, work on ways to brace yourself for things like that when you know you'll be more vulnerable to them.
[ He holds her gently closer, his hand rubbing a slow soothing pattern up and down her back. ]
( she tips her head up though still lays on his chest, looking slightly up at him, a hopeful little thing )
That... I fall apart.
( even if he doesn't know everything he might notice something in her.
she sighs slightly and the shift back to english is purposeful, because the topic isn't cutting quite as close )
I want to let you help... to let people close be there because... alone doesn't help, alone is a bad reflex. I need to tell Kyle... something. If I still have a job.
[ His hand finds its way into her hair, sifting gently through it, as she looks up. As much as he always appreciates it when she does that to him, he wants to be able to return the comfort. ]
If you'll let me in next time--if we can't prevent a next time--then I'll do whatever I can.
[ Already a "we," rather than a "you." ]
And Kyle's a very understanding guy. I can't imagine he won't hear you out, at the very least.
( there's a very small smile at both of his sentiments, a little kiss to his chest as she settles her head back down, and her eyes close at the feeling of his hand in her hair )
If I can't text you... I'll tell Daryl to let you in. If I tell him when my head is clear he might ignore my bad impulses.
( like if adrienne did say something different when she was struggling )
You did help make the lab feel easier... safer. Though we might have to reset that.
( if i have a job, she leaves off. she's not quite in the right mind to go back to the hospital yet, especially not the lab, but she remembers how keeping it simple made it feel less daunting )
But another day. Today I don't want to move from this spot.
( on him, not from her bed. she'd be convinced to snuggle on the couch if this ended up uncomfortable )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
( for support, so they can help pull her up or keep her steadier. she moves a hand to his chest, one finger lightly stroking, taking a moment for a pause )
I was given mandated therapy after it happened, not immediately but when my chief realised how badly I was coping. But I'd shut down. I didn't talk. I never have. This time... it was something at work that started it, a detail in a patient's file that triggered it. On its own it might not have been as bad.
( but then there was timing and she'd sunk lower )
no subject
[ It's so easy to think of progress as linear, even when it rarely is. It hasn't occurred to him that her efforts in braving the lab could be undone with a spiral like this, set off by something small and unpredictable, even when he knows she has good days and bad days already.
But in light of all that, and hearing that she hadn't made the intended use of that mandatory therapy, it makes sense now. ]
Do you think it's likely to happen again?
[ He covers her hand on his chest gently with his own. ]
no subject
PTSD is... ( fucked is her instinctive word but she leaves the sentence unfinished, especially when she knows she isn't managing as well as she likes to pretend she is. as she makes other people thing )
I havent had a spiral that bad in a while. It isn't always like that, little triggers are easier but... this built. I don't want it to keep building.
( this had been a terrifying reminder of the past, especially when things had felt better or more managed )
no subject
[ Whether or not it's what she's asking for, his mind is shifting into problem-solving mode, scientific and logical. If she knows what caused it to build, then maybe they can avoid it next time--maybe he can help, somehow, before it gets that far. ]
no subject
Her birthday.
( it's so quiet a whisper, an admission that will end up surprising her when she realises that she's told him at all. the pause was long enough that he'd likely even have started thinking that she wasn't going to, that it was it. this was the first time that she's mentioned something herself about her daughter, a real detail, not just to him but in years. and likely the only one.
but it was her birthday. that was the part that adrienne had struggled with, that hit her hardest because what should be her happiest time, celebrating her daughter and her life, seeing her grow-- she couldn't and those happy times crushed her )
The patient file detail wasn't even connected, it wasn't... but it brought something up.
no subject
[ It's whispered to himself, not quite meant for her, which is why he says it in English. Yes, that slots everything horribly into place. It confirms the assumption he's already been working from, all the myriad little ways he's seen his own parents in her since the bunny made him think to start looking--and it's just one more sharp little jab to the heart to know Adrienne's child was a girl, too.
He wonders if she was closer to Shanti's age, or Molly's. ]
Okay. All right. You understand all the constituent parts of the problem. That's very important. I know you couldn't have foreseen the file, but now you can...I don't know, work on ways to brace yourself for things like that when you know you'll be more vulnerable to them.
[ He holds her gently closer, his hand rubbing a slow soothing pattern up and down her back. ]
no subject
( she tips her head up though still lays on his chest, looking slightly up at him, a hopeful little thing )
That... I fall apart.
( even if he doesn't know everything he might notice something in her.
she sighs slightly and the shift back to english is purposeful, because the topic isn't cutting quite as close )
I want to let you help... to let people close be there because... alone doesn't help, alone is a bad reflex. I need to tell Kyle... something. If I still have a job.
no subject
[ His hand finds its way into her hair, sifting gently through it, as she looks up. As much as he always appreciates it when she does that to him, he wants to be able to return the comfort. ]
If you'll let me in next time--if we can't prevent a next time--then I'll do whatever I can.
[ Already a "we," rather than a "you." ]
And Kyle's a very understanding guy. I can't imagine he won't hear you out, at the very least.
no subject
If I can't text you... I'll tell Daryl to let you in. If I tell him when my head is clear he might ignore my bad impulses.
( like if adrienne did say something different when she was struggling )
You did help make the lab feel easier... safer. Though we might have to reset that.
( if i have a job, she leaves off. she's not quite in the right mind to go back to the hospital yet, especially not the lab, but she remembers how keeping it simple made it feel less daunting )
But another day. Today I don't want to move from this spot.
( on him, not from her bed. she'd be convinced to snuggle on the couch if this ended up uncomfortable )